Die young and save yourself.

jakkzay @ 2006-03-23T21:29:00

2006-03-24T02:31:32Z

My new journal username is zachadullboy. I think I added everyone, but I might have missed a couple of you, so add me and I will check in the next couple days to see.

Kinda late, but my top 10 albums of 2005

2006-02-20T00:26:27Z

1. Panic! at the Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
2. Jack's Mannequin - Everything in Transit
3. Fall Out Boy - From Under the Cork Tree
4. Ben Folds - Songs For Silverman
5. Relient K - Mhmmm
6. Imogen Heap - Speak For Yourself
7. The Hush Sound - So Sudden
8. Kanye West - Late Registration
9. Thrice - Vheissu
10. System of a Down - Hypnotize

What are your top 10?

jakkzay @ 2006-02-11T12:43:00

2006-02-11T18:42:17Z

If you want something for your head, listen to "De-Loused in the Comatorium." Yeah. This is a set of transcendental wings. Take flight.

This has been building for a while now. It started with my diet. I gave up pop. That sounds like a laughably mild thing to give up, but try laughing when you're passing kidney stones by the time you're 20. Last summer I probably drank an average of 2 liters of pop a day. And that is ridiculous.

I have appropriate portions. I have fruit and vegetables at every meal. I haven't had fast food or even french fries from the dining places on campus in months (I'm not counting Taco Bell though). I try to get 8 hours of sleep a night.

But all of this is pointless when I have weekly sessions of self destruction. So I am going to try to stop.
All of this was self medication at its finest, because to be honest, I haven't been okay with myself in a long time. Yes, this is the prototypical confession of the kid with low self esteem. This is cliche. I don't care. I don't have the energy to try and sound atypical. It's been said and done before, but it's what I feel. I am not a pioneer; I am a kid that is sick of destroying himself.

Because this is me:
I'm shy
I love to be sarcastic, but I can be overly serious.
I am hard to get to know, because I never know what to say.
I am a social misfit.
I am a hopeless romantic who writes shitty poetry and never likes the right girls.
I've got chubby cheeks and a big nose but I've got nice eyes if you look right and your vanity will never change the fact that I'm fucking sharp.
I do not crop my vocabulary for anyone. People can take that like I am arrogant or find me obnoxious for it, but if you buy my shares you will see amazing dividends. I am the horse that you took a 10 to 1 bet on who will win you the race. Because you had that feeling about me.
I am not tough. If we fistfought I would probably punch you once, and then feel really bad about it.

A quick note to those that know: NO this does not mean I'm straight edge, and therefore I won't possess the sick sense of superiority that a lot of those kids harness so effectively, nor will I pretend to follow a philosophy when I don't know where it began (with a punk band named Minor Threat whose music isn't even good in my opinion). I like the origins of that philosophy and the ideas that it's meant to represent, but that has become a far too twisted beast for me to ever realistically X up.

But this is me and I will understand if you reject me because I have rejected myself for so long. I have been spending this time away from my family, away from the mass influences of my friends, away from everything that is polar, and I have been getting to know myself again. My resolve has been easily weakened in the past. I have been persuaded. I am guilty of being a tool. And for that I will be forever repulsed. But when you've been lost (and all that metaphorical shit) and you find yourself, it's an incredible feeling. Embracing who I am is a new deal for me, but it is so easy. And the best part is it feels the most right.

But enough of all this corny, emotional shit.
I'm going to go nurse what I hope is the last hangover.

jakkzay @ 2006-02-10T20:44:00

2006-02-11T02:27:43Z

Jared writes on my dry erase board outside my room, "I want to talk to you about Jesus" as a joke. Just to be his goofy self. I write underneath "He was a pretty cool dude I bet". Girl comes by and erases the part Jared wrote. I ask her why, and she says, "Because I didn't care for it."

So, here was my question to her:
"How is what Jared wrote offensive?" The best part is, she didn't even have an answer. And I'll tell you why. Because IT'S NOT. After I pointed this out, and started to get agitated by her lack of ability to justify her own actions, she said something like "No, Zach, I know that you didn't mean it like that, and I know how you intended it. I know what you believe." She repeated this line even after I told her that she knows nothing about me, and that I DIDN'T WRITE IT.

Here's where I rant.

I don't care how religious you are, I respect it. I don't care if you're a Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Mormon, Wiccan, WHATEVER. I will respect your beliefs with absolutely no problem if you are NOT IMPOSING YOUR RELIGION ON ME.

See, the thing about people (and this may be a blanket statement, but you know what? it's true for MANY, not all devoutly religious people) is that they are horrified and offended if you try and impose your beliefs on them, but they presume to know EVERYTHING about you and your (obviously flawed) beliefs. This girl professed to know everything about my religious beliefs though she has never pretended to talk to me about it. She claimed to know what God (if any) I hold in respects, and she has never even asked me a damn theological question.
Not only did she upset herself over nothing, she has to follow it up by making stupid assumptions that have no basis.
It's close-minded, arrogant, and it pisses me off.

jakkzay @ 2006-01-17T14:15:00

2006-01-17T19:17:09Z

I need your suggestions of books to read.

jakkzay @ 2006-01-12T17:16:00

2006-01-12T22:19:29Z

It's 6 days until my birthday and we have no snow here! I don't know how much snow is in the U.P., but I bet there is more than none, which makes me mock you in these photos, taken 10 minutes ago from my dorm room window:

I don't think I've ever had a birthday without snow before. It's very strange.

jakkzay @ 2006-01-04T18:55:00

2006-01-04T23:43:46Z

Blues is the old man's Emo.

jakkzay @ 2006-01-04T00:25:00

2006-01-04T05:05:31Z

You can talk all the shit you want, but I won't be around to smell your breath.

jakkzay @ 2005-12-25T13:50:00

2005-12-25T19:20:45Z

Merry Christmas, time to bitch.

I saw in someone's profile this morning how Christmas is now a "generically named" holiday with "no religious affiliation whatsoever."
This is petty bullshit.

I remember when I was like 15 and 16 I was all about the whole Fuck the system, DON'T LET THE WOOL GET PULLED OVER YOUR EYES (YOU'RE ALL SHEEP) mentality. This person is at least 19 years old. Pretty much what I'm saying is you have to pick your battles, and the whole "fuck Christmas" battle is one you're going to lose.

Yes, Christmas is commercialized. It's because we want to buy things for the people that we care for, to show them our appreciation for being part of our lives. Yes, many many people lose sight of what Christmas is really about. But if you're smart enough to see and feel what Christmas really is, then let it go. It's not going to affect your life in any way if other people do not feel true Christmas spirit.

So what is your purpose of putting this in your profile? To prove a point? To point these things out to people? Everyone knows! Do you really think you're the first person to suggest that Americans have lost sight of their Christmas values? Are you really thinking for yourself if there have been thousands of the same thoughts before yours?

There's a time to move past all that. Stop trying to be the nonconformist by conforming to the same typical lines of thought and I won't have to make these entries.

Oh...P.S...."generically named holiday" ?
How many holidays are named "Christmas" ?
How can a holiday even be generic? It's a special day by intention; it CAN'T be generic.

I hope you're feeling the love this Christmas.

jakkzay @ 2005-12-22T21:29:00

2005-12-23T02:30:22Z

I have been in a real desperate kind of funk lately, and I don't know how to get out of it. Whether it's a regression to Ishpeming routine that I am fighting and losing, or people and events passed that are coming back to haunt me, it's sufficient to make me want to just hide out from the world with a good book. Current social tasks are taxing, and future social prospects look daunting.

Dan is my best friend in the world and he has definitely noticed that is something up with me. I wish I could tell him what it was. I wish I knew. I wish I could tell you all what I'm thinking without having to open my mouth and say it. I wish I could feel comfortable here.

The important thing to tell you all is that if I have told you I want to spend time with you while I'm here, I WILL do it. So please don't feel insulted if I haven't called. If we were to hang out, I wouldn't be myself. So unless you want to come over right now, know me through my eyes, and share the living room couch with me, it's not the right time. I'll be back soon.

Merry Christmas.

jakkzay @ 2005-12-21T19:37:00

2005-12-22T01:38:37Z

Tomorrow.

VIP in IHS.

Maybe you'll see me in the balcony, whoaaa.

This is going to come out of nowhere, but I'm switching my major AGAIN to Nursing. What I really want to do is make good money and travel, and if I can be a traveling nurse I will make at least 55 grand a year and they will pay for wherever I'm staying. Also, I will get to travel all over the United States and maybe the rest of the world. Best of all, if I like a place I can stay because if hospitals like the work you did they'll offer you a permanent position.

So why did I decide I didn't want to have a degree in Music Industry Management? Oh, no reason really, just that it would destroy everything I love about music. I love music for the heart that is put into it, the raw musicianship, the talent. Being in Music Industry Management would have me figuring how much every band and musician is worth, how much money I can make and milk out of them. I would be the suit with the dollar sign eyes that I have always despised.

So I have gone from Psychology, to English Composition, to Music Industry Management, to Nursing. Oh boy. Well, creating music and writing have always been my passions, my anchors, so I will continue to do them no matter what. But also, I have always tried to be philanthropic, and nursing gives me a chance to help people first hand, with something that takes me past "community service" and all that.

If you're lucky I'll find some talent in you in time for Christmas.

--The kid who doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up.

jakkzay @ 2005-12-02T20:09:00

2005-12-03T01:09:56Z

cowcraver7: i just heard something really funny outside my front door
zach a dull boy: what did you hear
cowcraver7: well, my neighbors just got home and this lady had her baby kid in a carrier thing
cowcraver7: she was talking to the kid all the way up the stairs and when she got to the top she said to someone inside "open the door nigga" and then she said to the kid "you can say it, you black"
cowcraver7: so the little kid said it!
cowcraver7: in a little kid voice that was like learning his first words!
cowcraver7: it was rediculous
zach a dull boy: ahahahahhahahahahahah
cowcraver7: i knkow!
cowcraver7: thats what i said!

ahahahhahah I love Jon Stadler

jakkzay @ 2005-10-02T18:40:00

2005-10-02T22:50:58Z

Breathe in. Hold it. Let those capillaries swell with life. Now let it out and tell me to my face that every moment wasn't worth it.

There are no such thing as heroes. They spring out of myth, which is a nice word for elegant ignorance. You just didn't have the chance to hold them up to the light, not on some pedestal or shrine this time but to examine them for weakness. You'd find several flaws deemed human and that would be it. The world that they were holding for you would fall, would drop like your stomach when you discover someone's discovered your secret. Except this time the secret's nothing's stoic anymore.

Sports heroes are liars with habits who hate the game almost as much as themselves; rock stars are liars with self destructive tendencies and venereal disease, and there is always that album that they throw out on the downslope of their careers. No one looks dignified while they're drowning, just like no one goes without a tantrum. Take a lot of pictures, make some good memories because it's all going down.

jakkzay @ 2005-09-20T15:51:00

2005-09-20T19:53:53Z

oh god wow whoa the new panic! at the disco song on purevolume is heavenly.

jakkzay @ 2005-09-06T16:58:00

2005-09-06T20:59:11Z

Every Harry Potter fan needs to go here IMMEDIATELY.

ha

2005-08-23T21:58:30Z

So...college. What to even say.

What a great time.

I will post pictures of my dorm room when I get time.

bye

So very upset

2005-08-06T19:34:45Z

Little did my parents know, way back when I was just a little tike, that investing early in my education would prove so troublesome, would backfire so badly. Deciding to settle down and raise a family in the comfortable town of Ishpeming, Michigan, my parents decided that they would invest in a program called the Michigan Educational Trust. It was a fund that they worked tirelessly to put money into so that one day their son could go to college and have all of the opportunities life has to offer. After putting so many dollars, the trust fund is set up so that when your child enrolls in a university, college, or community college, the tuition, no matter what the cost, is covered, as long as the school is in the state of Michigan. What my parents weren't told was that a MET fund was a red flag screaming "privileged" to every university out there.

So here's what happened: I had college paid for. Between MET, The Presidential Scholarship, the Residential Life Scholarship, the Michigan Merit Award, the Michigan Competitive Scholarship, the Susan Chin Memorial Scholarship, the Phelps Scholarship, and the Ferris Grant, I had enough money for tuition, room and board, and books with money left over. I was going to get my car fixed with the extra money, and open a Roth IRA. (side note, i'm obviously a fucking dork). Then something happened. I got a letter with my financial aid package that said that "due to grants I may have received from other sources" (cough METcough) I was no longer receiving the Michigan Competitive Scholarship. My friends expressed all sorts of due outrage at them giving me a scholarship and then taking it back, less than a month before school started. But one of my friends pointed out that only "really poor kids" get this scholarship.

Ever since my mom quit her engineering job at the Department of Natural Resources, I think that by many people's standards I would fall into the category of "really poor kids." I don't buy designer jeans pre-torn, ripped, painted, pre-jizzed, whatever. My family has two vehicles: a 1993 Subaru Legacy wagon with liberal amounts of rust and a sporadically malfunctioning computer causing it to run on 3 cylinders, and a 1989 Ford F-150 pickup truck with even more rust than the Subaru and a huge dent in the side of the bed from when my then 14-year-old brother slid into a tree. We have credit card debt, a decent sized, nice looking house (because my parents have got their priorities straight), diminishing savings funds, and increasingly noticable wrinkles in my parents' faces. I'm not trying to paint you the picture of the poor boy here, because we get by and we have a lot of things that people don't. We're fortunate. But the fact is, we do not have a lot of money. It's that simple.

But apparently, to be "really poor," you have to live in a cardboard box that you doubly use for sustenance, while sucking dicks for quarters so that your junkie mom and dad can get their fix, while your wardrobe consists of roadkill loin cloths.

Anyway, I didn't get this Michigan Competitive Scholarship. That was okay though, it was $1300 for the year, I could handle losing that, because I still had enough money to get by. Today I get home from my last day at McDonalds and there's another letter. Same financial aid sheet, similar letter explaining how and why they took my Michigan Competitive Scholarship (this time it was an "office error" that I got it in the first place [wait, what's that smell? it smells like The Department of Education used their Money Bull to take a huge steaming shit on my chest]), but this time...no Ferris Grant.

I checked and rechecked the page. No Ferris Grant. No mention of why it disappeared, no mention of it ever having been awarded, just gone from the list. And on the sheet was written MET Award, and next to it, the price of tuition. EXCUSE ME? Award? An award is something GIVEN to you for doing exemplary work at SOMETHING. MET is not a fucking award. MET is a trust fund, that my parents thrust their hard-earned dollars into for years so that I could go to college. How can it be an award when my parents PAID for it? So, on the sheet, $1700 dollars gone in the ghost of the Ferris Grant, the explanation before me typed in "Michigan Education Trust Award," and then I see another thing on the list, this one new, and I see it as my destiny: "Federal Direct Unsubsidized Loan."

This is how the state of Michigan and Ferris State University steal my college money 2 weeks before I leave.

jakkzay @ 2005-07-23T12:36:00

2005-07-23T16:37:28Z

I've got a tear in my stomach and a hole in my heart, which means I'm sick all the time and I don't care at all.

jakkzay @ 2004-08-21T21:46:00

2004-08-22T01:45:34Z

I feel like no one reads this. I would appreciate it if anyone would contradict me on this.

jakkzay @ 2004-08-16T00:21:00

2004-08-16T04:18:04Z

I'm not writing in here anymore, unless it's a private entry.

jakkzay @ 2004-08-07T00:46:00

2004-08-07T04:45:06Z

It's all good.

jakkzay @ 2004-08-05T23:40:00

2004-08-06T03:54:26Z

Haha this isn't my real journal you're fooled my real journal is in about 12 different wordpad documents saved in my documents it's quite a shitty collection of my writing actually so for any of you that actually read this journal which is probably in the single digits i can say haha you're fooled and now you have to sort through zero punctuation fuckers

jakkzay @ 2004-08-05T16:30:00

2004-08-05T20:29:11Z

Today's top story: Why should a relationship that you knew was going to be difficult (because of how different the two people are) hurt so much when it ends?

We have Zach Jay reporting.

My Favorite Songs of All Time (In No Particular Order)

2004-07-31T05:06:30Z

Led Zeppelin- Stairway To Heaven
Eagles- Hotel California
Pink Floyd- Pigs (Three Different Ones)
Pink Floyd- Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd- Time
Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb
Incubus- I Wish You Were Here
Something Corporate- Konstantine
Slipknot- Vermilion pt.2
Taking Back Sunday- Cute Without The E (Cut From The Team)
Taking Back Sunday- There's No "I" In Team
Brand New- Soco Amaretto Lime
Brand New- Jude Law And A Semester Abroad
The Juliana Theory- You Always Say Goodnight, Goodnight
The Moody Blues- Nights In White Satin
Bob Seger- Turn The Page
Avenged Sevenfold- Warmness On The Soul
Avenged Sevenfold- I Won't See You Tonight pt.1
Avenged Sevenfold- And All Things Will End
Tom Petty- Last Dance With Mary Jane
Blink 182- All Of This
Blink 182- Carousel
Sublime- 40 Oz. To Freedom
Sublime- Bob Marley Medley
From Autumn To Ashes- Short Stories With Tragic Endings
From Autumn To Ashes- Chloroform Perfume
Jimmy Eat World- My Sundown
Jimmy Eat World- Hear You Me
Dead Poetic- Bliss Tearing Eyes
Nirvana- Something In The Way
Nirvana- The Man Who Sold The World
Tool- Eulogy
Seether- Broken

My favorite 34 songs EVER, after about 2 hours of careful deliberation. Please comment and tell me some of your favorites. And I don't mean just songs you like. I mean songs that you can listen to over and over and over and over again without getting sick of them.

Ahhh but I'm already second guessing my decisions so I better just post it quick before I change my mind on half of them.

jakkzay @ 2004-07-29T12:29:00

2004-07-29T16:27:37Z

My voice needs to get stronger.